Repair Ruptures in Psychotherapy Without Getting Defensive

Early on in our work together, I generally try to make it clear to my clients that I am not going to get things right all the time. My intention is to create a safe space for them to provide feedback to me and to feel empowered to share their inner responses, even if it means disagreeing with something I said. I also want to make sure that they are aware that therapy is a collaborative process, one which is ultimately guided by what is most alive in them. I never want my clients to assume that my feedback is coming from a place of ultimate truth; I want them to know that I know that they are the experts on their life.

That being said, if I notice in the moment that my client seems upset, confused or internally conflicted about something I said, I am almost always inclined to check in with them about it. I would want to invite them to share more about what's going on for them. I might say something like, "I am noticing that what I just said may not have resonated with you," or, "It seems like I may be off here. What are your thoughts about what I just said?"

Regardless of the exact phrase I use, I think approaching that moment with complete openness, curiosity, and humility is of utmost importance. I want my clients to know that their experience is always a valued part of the therapeutic process, even if it means telling me something didn't land with them. Repairs can happen fairly quickly when clients have an understanding that their therapist is able to admit that they are a fallible human who, despite all their training and professionalism, gets it wrong sometimes.