7 Communication Strategies from Psychologists to Express Needs
Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships and successful interactions. This article delves into expert-backed strategies from psychologists to help express needs clearly and assertively. Discover powerful techniques like the GO Method, I-Statements, and the DEAR MAN strategy that can transform the way you communicate in both personal and professional settings.
- Use GO Method for Clear Communication
- Express Needs with I-Statements
- Share Emotions to Invite Collaboration
- Frame Needs Around Impact on Others
- Make Specific Requests for Better Results
- Apply DEAR MAN Strategy for Effective Dialogue
- Write Down Thoughts Before Conversations
Use GO Method for Clear Communication
As a licensed psychotherapist who works extensively with adult individuals and couples seeking improved relationships, I teach clients a method I call "GO" to improve their success in communicating their needs.
The "G" in "GO" stands for "Get clear." The primary struggle partners have in communicating their needs is that they've spent so much time thinking about how their needs are NOT getting met or what their partner is doing that they DON'T like, that they've forgotten how to speak directly and concisely about what they DO want. Often, one individual will truly believe that they've stated their needs again and again to the other person, when what they've actually done is extensively complained without in any way expressing their desired, alternative version. "You never help unless I ask you first. I ask you over and over to pick up after the kids have gone to bed and then you never follow through even when I repeatedly ask" is a complaint that feels to the speaker like they expressed a need. Complaint language not only directs the other partner's attention to the behavior you are saying you DON'T want, it also invites defensiveness and debates over perception that further derail the effective communication of needs. So even if there is a subtle need expression, the receiver only hears criticism and then inevitably is so busy pushing back that they never hear the request part.
The "O" in "GO" stands for "Outline only." "Outline only" means that you stick to outlining the behavior you DO want, without using complaint, judgment, or challenge language. "I want you to initiate—without my saying anything—taking care of house chores. We can make a list of the tasks that I'd like you to initiate handling and put it on the fridge if that would be a helpful reference for the items that are important to me" is clearly expressing a need with no complaint or judgment elements.
Decreasing criticism or perceived criticism while clarifying request language makes an impactful difference in partners' ability to communicate their needs more effectively. These skills improve relationships not only by reducing friction around effectively expressing individual needs but by increasing the likelihood that the other person will be able to successfully execute on the request. The singular most important task of a relationship is setting your partner up to be successful with you, and "GO" is an effective strategy for doing just that.
Express Needs with I-Statements
One psychologist advised me to use "I-statements" more when communicating needs, rather than using blaming language. For example, saying something like "I feel unheard when I am interrupted and I need a chance to finish my thought fully" instead of "You never listen to me." It's a small shift, but doing so reduces defensiveness in conversations and allows both parties to understand what the other person is asking for. In my personal experience, doing this over time has definitely helped me express myself without compromising my connections with people. Creating the space for calm discussions with mutual respect also reduces the opportunity for misunderstandings to occur. Even in a professional context, I suggest the same to my clients, and they have expressed feeling more comfortable and confident when expressing their needs without guilt. This makes solving problems with friends, family, and colleagues more collaborative overall.
Share Emotions to Invite Collaboration
As we explore the complex topic of psychological needs and how to best communicate them in an effective manner, it is pertinent to more closely examine our emotional lives in relation to our "needs".
Our emotions are at the core of our stated or unstated "needs". It is appropriate to think of emotions as the root of the need; therefore, in order to know what I truly need, I need to know what I feel. Moreover, knowing what you may feel at any given time is not easy since we can have conflicting emotions, unconscious feelings, and be blind to our feelings at any given time. Think of it as a long division answer that still needs to be "reduced" to provide you with the most correct information. Now, here is where another challenge lies. Many people simply communicate needs by stating desired behaviors or attempting to control the situation to obtain their favored outcome. "I need a hamburger" is not actually a "need," although it can sure feel like it is at times. There is a better way...
Drawing from the above-mentioned premise, I am going to start with my reduced emotion (how to find your core emotion is an entire subject in and of itself) and then I am going to embrace the ambiguity, vulnerability, and uncertainty of stating my need stemming from that emotion. For example, I notice I feel bored, so I may need stimulation; or I feel anxious, so I may need reassurance; or I feel lonely, and therefore I may need connection. I simply state the need without any preconceived notion about how to get that need met, but instead simply share it with my trusted person. When I share in this manner, it invites creative problem-solving, collaboration, and the potential for greater intimacy. For example, I might share: "Honey, I need some support" (stemming from feeling overwhelmed). This allows my partner to feel less controlled and more able to offer support in a way that also works for them.
Expressing your needs this way allows relationships to deepen their level of trust, creates more intimacy and closeness, and also creates a "more than" relationship experience. Creating intimacy with your partner is an endeavor that takes some measure of emotional risk, but if we can communicate our needs while shelving our desire to control the outcome or have it tied to a certain behavior, then it gives us the opportunity to have an experience with our partners in a way that solidifies the lived experience that "I am better with them."
Frame Needs Around Impact on Others
One strategy a psychologist taught me was to frame my needs around the impact on others rather than just stating what I wanted. Early on, I'd just say what I needed and expect people to respond, but that often led to frustration or misunderstandings. The idea is simple but powerful: instead of saying, "I need more support," I explain why it matters and how it affects the people around me.
In my case, whether it's with my family, friends, or my team at Aura, I try to communicate clearly why something is important, not just what I want. It's made conversations feel less confrontational and more collaborative. I notice that people are more receptive because they understand the context and the consequences of not addressing a need.
It's helped me in the most personal moments, like managing my health and balancing family time, and in professional ones, like guiding a team through sensitive work in the funeral industry. By showing that my needs are tied to shared outcomes, it builds trust and reduces tension. Relationships feel stronger, and decisions feel more considered.
I still have to remind myself to do it every day, but when I do, it makes a noticeable difference in how people respond and in how connected we all feel.
Make Specific Requests for Better Results
A psychologist once introduced me to the "specific request" method, which focuses on stating needs in clear, actionable terms rather than vague expressions. Instead of saying, "I feel overwhelmed," I learned to frame it as, "I need 30 uninterrupted minutes this evening to finish a report." That shift eliminated the guesswork for the other person and reduced frustration on both sides.
Applying this approach in professional and personal settings has improved relationships by creating clarity. Colleagues respond more readily when they know exactly how to support me, and family members feel less pressure trying to interpret my mood. What struck me most was how it reduced conflict by keeping conversations concrete and collaborative. Communicating needs this way built trust because it showed respect for others' time and gave them a practical way to respond.
Apply DEAR MAN Strategy for Effective Dialogue
Hello, my name is Amanda Ferrara, LMFT. I am a Program Therapist at Ocean Recovery in California. We would like to contribute to your article! Here are the links to our website, staff page and my LinkedIn.
https://www.oceanrecovery.com/
https://www.oceanrecovery.com/about-ocean-recovery/our-staff/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/amanda-ferrara-bb6769214
Here are our answers and responses to your query:
One simple but highly effective tactic to communicate needs without escalating conflict is the DEAR MAN (DBT) strategy. The DEAR MAN script includes:
D (Describe): Describe and state the facts
E (Express): Express what you're feeling ("I feel...")
A (Assert): Ask clearly for what you need
R (Reinforce): Explain the positive
M (Mindful): Stay focused, don't get sidetracked
A (Appear confident): Have a calm voice and steady posture
N (Negotiate): Offer options, be flexible on the "how"
A template of the DEAR MAN strategy in a sentence or normal conversation may look like: "When [facts], I feel [emotion]. I'd like [assert]. It would help because [benefit]. If that doesn't work, maybe [alternative]." For a specific example, "When [messages come in after 9pm], I feel [wired and anxious]. I'd like [to keep non-urgent messages for the morning]. It helps [me sleep and show up sharper. If something's urgent, add 'URGENT' and I'll respond]." This method typically helps improve relationships by leading with facts and feelings, not blame, which helps eliminate defensiveness. This provides a clear structure to express wants, needs, and solutions with alternatives, preventing resentment. This method also encourages healthier patterns via mindfulness and can help keep conversations collaborative and engaging.
Write Down Thoughts Before Conversations
As an introverted person who is also very self-sufficient, it is difficult for me to communicate my needs. When I brought this problem to my therapy sessions, my psychologist suggested that I write down everything I wanted to say before actually having the conversation and think about every sentence written. I've been doing this since then, and it has been very effective. I feel a lot more confident, and it has also made me realize that I cannot do everything by myself. Sometimes we need help, and if we don't ask for it, we're not going to get it.
