6 Lessons From Psychologists on Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationship
Healthy boundaries can prevent resentment, reduce anxiety, and build trust in relationships. This article shares practical guidance from psychologists and other experts, including guarding time, pausing before responding, and setting clear rules for financial requests. Learn simple ways to say no kindly and voice needs without conflict.
Guard Time To Avoid Resentment
As a dermatologist, my work can be intense. Years ago a psychologist told me something that stuck. A boundary is not about pushing people away. It is about staying in relationships without building quiet resentment. That idea changed how I look at my time, my energy, and even how I say yes to patients and family.
In my own life I now say clearly when I am not available emotionally. For example, I protect one evening each week with no calls or messages. I show up calmer and more genuine the rest of the week. Recent 2025 research on boundaries and mental health supports this approach: https://psychcentral.com/health/healthy-boundaries-why-you-need-them
Say No Kindly Build Trust
One idea that stuck with me from Gabor Mate is that a boundary is the place where I can stay in relationship without abandoning myself. Not a wall, not a threat. A clear line that lets me say yes to you and yes to me at the same time. He talks about saying no with compassion and without a long courtroom speech. That simple frame helped me stop treating boundaries like conflict and start seeing them as care.
I used it first at home with our kid. We agreed that after dinner is quiet time. They can read, draw, or plan tomorrow's adventure, but I am not "on call" for every request. I say it plainly and kindly, then stick to it. The mood in the house got calmer because everyone knew where the edges were. I took the same approach into Strew. We set a rule that protects deep work: no new feature debates after midday, and no pings during family hours. When a request comes in, I thank the person, log it, and give a real review date instead of an instant yes. The surprise was how much trust this built. People felt heard, I kept my energy, and the work got better because we were deciding from clarity, not from exhaustion.
Take a Moment Before You Respond
One thing a psychologist taught me about boundaries that really stuck is this; if you don't set a boundary, your body will eventually set one for you. Usually in the form of burnout, resentment, or shutting down emotionally. That reframing helped me see boundaries not as walls, but as a way of protecting the parts of me that make relationships work in the first place.
A simple example from my own life is learning to say, "I need a moment," instead of pushing through every conversation or conflict. I used to think stepping back meant I was being distant or uncaring. A psychologist explained that pausing is actually a sign of respect, you're choosing to respond instead of react. I tried it during a tough conversation with someone close to me, and it completely changed the tone. Taking ten minutes to breathe and reset made the rest of the conversation calmer and more honest.
That taught me boundaries aren't about keeping people out. They're about showing up with the best version of yourself when it matters.
Treat Dread As Early Alert
A psychologist mentor once taught me a simple, profound rule during my residency: Resentment is the body's early warning system that a boundary has been crossed.
We often think of boundaries as intellectual decisions or rules we write down. However, my mentor explained that our bodies usually know we need a boundary long before our brains acknowledge it. That tightening in your chest, the heavy sigh when a specific name appears on your phone, or the flash of irritation when asked for a "small favor"—that is not you being a bad person. That is your nervous system signaling that you are about to overextend yourself.
I implemented this by learning to pause whenever I felt that "dread factor." In the early days of building ACES Psychiatry, I often over-committed to after-hours calls or administrative meetings, thinking availability equaled care. I realized I was showing up to those interactions drained and less empathetic. Now, I treat that spike of resentment as helpful data. It prompts me to stop and ask, "What limit do I need to set here?" By respecting that signal and saying "no" or "not right now," I protect the energy I need to be truly present for my patients and my family.
Enforce Process For Financial Requests
The hardest lesson I learned about boundaries from a business mentor is that a boundary is a protective process, not a confrontation. We all view boundaries as fighting, but they are actually operational rules designed to stop us from blowing up and making bad decisions.
I fixed this by implementing the "No Verbal Finance Request" rule. If a partner or family member asks me for financial help or business advice, I refuse to answer until they send me a complete, documented financial breakdown. The rule immediately cuts the emotional pressure of having to make a decision on the spot.
This benefits everyone because it moves the focus from personal feeling to objective clarity. I'm not judging the person; I'm enforcing a process that guarantees competence in the decision-making. By making the boundary about the quality of the information—not the relationship—it eliminates friction and ensures that any assistance I give is sound and sustainable.
Voice Your Needs To Lower Anxiety
As a clinical psychologist and researcher on social anxiety, I've learned that healthy boundaries are less about saying "no" to others and more about not saying "no" to yourself. In my own research with socially anxious adults, we've found that bottling up anger - instead of expressing it in a clear, respectful way - is linked to higher social anxiety and more strain in relationships. When people swallow their frustration to keep the peace, it doesn't disappear; it often turns inward into tension, self-criticism, and resentment. A healthier boundary can be a gentle, specific statement of your needs, such as, "I'm really looking forward to our time together, and it would help me if we could keep our plans more consistent." In my clinical work, I regularly see that when people set boundaries in this way, their relationships become more honest and stable, and their anxiety decreases.